The names have changed. The need for change has not..
There is a lightness in the commute this morning. It's the same route,
same travel time, and same people, but somehow the air feels lighter.
Scowls are softened, smiles come easily and when the mind wanders into
the near future, dread is absent. If this week were a race, and you
were Usain Bolt, this is the moment you look back at your foes, and
realizing they have no hope of overtaking you, you smile. An eye
squinting forehead wrinkling all your teeth want to be seen sort of
smile. The finish line is moments ahead and now there's no stopping
Once that computer screen goes black and you Fred Flintstone slide out
of your office, you contemplate all the joyous things you will do with
your newfound freedom. Will you celebrate ? Reveling in the
streets, a gold medal that says "Weekend" dangling around your neck?
Or will you simply dwell in the moment, feet placed gently on your
ottoman as you enjoy obligationless peace?
Either way, your relief feels unparalleled and your possibilities feel
endless. So no matter the choice you make, or plans you have for your
moments of respite, it will be a very Happy Friday indeed.
She sighs heavily, the rumbling tracks reverberating through the background as she gently stretches her fingers to keep them loose. This is rush hour, and hardly a moment passes that a train full of relieved laborers doesn't squeal by, momentarily drowning out her voice. That voice, soft and guarded, pleaded for the recognition of the commuters. Her fingers plucked away at the keys dutifully, filling the platform with a hint of a song. A song that would fit perfectly with a film scene of a boy telling a girl he can't do without her, just before she walks away. Perhaps what's why she sang. If her life was that film, she seemed to be the boy, and the music was the girl, ever slipping away. But it was supposed to be different. New York was where she would make it. Where her previously lauded talents would finally be recognized, and she would live the life that she saw when her eyes were closed and her mind went free. So she picked a keyboard and some walking shoes and descended into the subway for the first time.
That was six months ago. Now, as the D train began to disappear around the bend, it's last bit of light fading into the tunnel, she closed her eyes once more. She felt the cool breeze of the passing car and lifted her voice, hoping that someone would really listen this time.
Paris is a beautiful city. But of course, you don't need me to tell you that. We've all heard the stories, and seen the films. The accordion hums gently in the background as a bespectacled man takes a slow drag on a cigarette, his lover adjusting her scarf. You can almost smell the croissants coming out of the oven, fresh and light, waiting to help you start your day. In my case though, the beauty I found in Paris was its ability to retain its sensibility in the wake of tragedy. In the mere days after the peace of the city was shattered, I still felt at relative ease alone in the city. I still saw old men reading news papers over coffee, and children playing soccer in the park. All of the Parisians I spoke to told me that they wish I had seen the city in its prior state. That the police presence was now crazy and super intense. Even before I went, there were a chorus of voices expressing their reticence at my continuing the trip. But in this case the old New York adage of "If you can make it here you can make it anywhere" seemed applicable. Not so much that New York is some sort of proving ground dispensing impregnable people, but more so that nothing seems crazy after life in New York. Walk through Penn Station and it feels as if skid row has somehow been placed within the jurisdiction of every law enforcement group ever. NYPD walk by New York County Sheriffs, who in turn tip their western era caps to the military police in full fatigues. If the zombie apocalypse goes down, I'm heading to Penn Station, because that place is practically an armory. Comparatively, Paris felt like a police free zone. Sometimes I forget the overwhelming and constant presence of law enforcement in the U.S., particularly NYC. A regular Tuesday morning involves swiping your metro-card only after opening the contents of your bag to an assault rifle clad officer.There is an intensity to New York, for better or worse, always swirling about in the air. All the moments are filled with a certain sense of pressure, like a metropolitan sauna. Stepping out of that, if only for a moment, felt freeing.
That sense of weight off my shoulders comes as a result of varied factors present in each city. The biggest factor? The historical and ever present racial climate in the U.S., and my existence as a black man within that system. Part of my ease in the Paris revolved around the lack of the racial history I've spent my life navigating. There is something to be said about being in a land that you know your direct ancestors were not slaves in. To know that you have never had a cross burned in your yard here. A place where the American Civil War was watched from afar. Even in my few days there, I understood to a greater degree the draw the great writers and jazz musicians felt, like Ta-Nehisi and Baldwin before him. I felt a certain sense of freedom, unsettling in its unfamiliarity.
That is not to say that it is some utopia. To be black in France is generally to also be of African descent, though on average there is a much more unpolluted lineage. A more concrete historical identity. No matter the strength of your identity however, to be the darker brother is to be subject to the negative perspectives of others. But for me as a Black American, I felt that many of the looks directed my way were no longer to ascertain my role as a black man (as it is in the states), but now the first mental inquiry was whether I was potentially Muslim. Brown skin. Bald head. Full beard. I saw questions flitting across the faces of passerbys. Sadly, this trepidation concerning a brown person's Faith is one of the ever present aspects of current society.
Pain and ignorance often beget fear. It's just crazy that it felt good to not be the subject of the old fear.
Honestly, that may not even be the correct translation, but I'm trying to tell you that I was looking at Paris with "new eyes". At least that is what Duolingo told me...I think.
I was given a cold reception by the city, as the cool mist in the air shook any hints of jet-lag off of me. With a wariness leftover from feeling like a country kid in the big city, I sat on the metro and tried to make as many observations as I could. Perhaps to little avail, I make an effort to weave into the fabric of the city. My first attempt was a failure, as I stood blankly in front of the train doors waiting for them to open, until a pleasant young woman smiled and pushed the button. With an mechanical click that seemed to be derisively directed towards me, the doors opened allowing me in the train. A few moments later, that same pleasant young woman was walking down the aisles, asking for money. Despite her earlier door pleasantries, my hardened NYC heart took over, and I let her walk by without opening my wallet.
I opted to not spring for the international data plan. I'd like to tell myself I was being an intrepid adventurer, bravely setting forth in a new city without the crutch of Google. Really I was just being cheap, though I began to wonder if it was worth saving the 70 bucks as I walked off the metro. With the help of foresight in the form of map screenshots, I rang the doorbell to the Airbnb, hoping that if this was the wrong place, the tenant would at least let me use their wifi.
New York, NY.
At times, I'm not sure I ever really felt like I knew where I belonged. That's not to say that everyone doesn't feel like that in their youth, but my feeling has persisted a bit longer. Of course, it is said that hindsight is 20/20, but also that time can warp the memory. Sometimes things seem straight forward while you are walking, but then you look back and all you can see you is a maze.
My maze of childhood sometimes consisted of actual corn mazes. It also had tractor rides (our own tractor, an off brand beast called a Belarus) and hay baling. I learned some of the important things, like that square bales were actually pretty easy to maneuver as long as they were properly bound, but you might throw your back out trying to toss a wet bale. My classmates and I were very close. Like brothers. Well, actually we were brothers, and there was only one of them at the time.
"Oh my God, you were homeschooled? You seem fairly well adjusted. What was that like?"
My usual response is that when you're a kid everything seems normal, because you don't have much room for comparison. And for me it was true. By most average and modern American accounts, I had a strange childhood. Some would say I had an especially strange childhood considering where I've currently ended up. For me though, nothing seemed strange about being a black kid homeschooled by his mother, living in a place with the cartoonish name of Acme, Washington.
With the passing years however, the uniqueness of my youth revealed itself to me. I did not quite relate to people talking about bringing a new pair of Jordan's to school, because I was too busy getting punked by wild coyotes while taking out the trash. So how does a kid who used to butcher chickens barehanded end up practicing law and being a photographer in NYC? Yea, I kind of don't know either.
Today, on my block, the same block these children live on, a man was found dead on steps of a home. I walked by on my way into the rhythm of the city, and simultaneously, officers of the law were just then covering his face with a sheet.
Life is fleeting. The reminders of that for these children, on this block, are sometimes very strident.
Once again, we need be reminded that Black Lives Matter. Once again, rage at the continued indications otherwise.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness."
I saw this fellow shooter walking along the streets of lower manhattan. I angled toward him for the shot, at which point he gave me the above suspicious look and veered away. Well, I suppose it is New York. Protect Yourself At All Times.
Sitting silently, accompanied by the quiet companionship of 4 trees. The river laps gently against the stone at the water's edge. Momentarily, you forget that you would never set foot in this river.
Sometimes you get a great reminder of how dope a day in Brooklyn can be. The Do-Over last weekend was just that. I recall the earlier Do-Over party at the now defunct Dekalb Market a few years past, which was a great environment of great jams, food, and drinks.
This year brought back that vibe with Rich Medina setting the tone on the music, and keeping me there longer than I planned because he played "More Bounce To The Ounce". Here are some shots from the day.